Baby is the size of a: banana 
Current weight: 69kg (3.5kg gained)
Cravings: None weirdly 
Symptoms: Very sore sciatic nerve and ligament pain 

How have you been feeling: Very nervous up to this point, until I had my 20 week scan on Monday which confirmed a happy, healthy, growing baby. I lost a baby mid last year and found out at my 12 week scan, all alone during level 3 lockdown.

Do you feel comfortable sharing your miscarriage experience? I discovered I had miscarried when I went for my 12 week scan. I had a dating scan at 7 weeks which showed a heartbeat, had been to the midwife at 10 weeks and she had found a heartbeat on her monitor but we couldn’t hear it as baby was sitting down by my hip but there was a clear 144bpm reading on her monitor, she even showed it to me.

I had no health issues at all, regular exercise, eating all approved pregnancy foods etc. I had been feeling my usual pregnancy symptoms daily, no sign of any changes, no cramping, no bleeding or anything. The night before my scan we went into level 3 lockdown and I was disappointed that my husband wouldn’t be able to come along to see baby growing.

I turned up for my scan alone and when she put the scanning machine (no idea it’s technical name haha), the uterus was big and black.

There was a small object on the left side which was the baby. Unfortunately there was no blood flow, no heartbeat and no growth from what she thought could have been 9 weeks. I told her about how we’d seen a heartbeat recording at 10 weeks and she was confused. I burst into tears and let her finish doing what she needed to do. I left the scan clinic and sat in my car crying for a solid 5 minutes before ringing my husband. He luckily only was 5 minutes down the road in his office and came up to meet me. The rest of the day was a blur, my husband came home and took over looking after our son while my mum went home.

The next couple of days I just cried on and off and tried to focus on the positive that I had my son and he was healthy and happy. I was thinking I’m lucky I’ve got one healthy one.

My midwife was very supportive and checked in on me for those days until the hospital rang me. I had three choices; one was to naturally miscarry when my body was ready. I knew this wasn’t going to work, I had no cramping at all, my body had held onto this fetus already for at least a week or two with no symptoms. Option 2 was to take tablets to soften my cervix which I wasn’t interested in as I knew a couple of people who had done this and ended up at a&e with bad bleeding. I went with option 3 which was surgery to remove the tissue.

The following week, exactly a week after my scan I went in for surgery. At this point I had accepted mentally what had happened and was feeling a little better about things. Surgery went well, little pain, usual 12 days of bleeding and results showed nothing unusual. 7 weeks later I had a period. 7 weeks after that my period hadn’t come. I took a pregnancy test which showed a positive result. I knew I wasn’t pregnant and booked in to see my GP that arvo. Long story short, after having to be referred back to hospital for scans and bloods, it showed 2cm of tissue had been missed in surgery.  This was 16 weeks post last op.

So I was booked in three days later for surgery round 2. This surgery wasn’t great. They put a camera up to check they had got everything and cut my cervix which needed stitches. I was in serious pain for a good 10 days, saw my GP twice to get checked etc. eventually 17 days post op, I stopped bleeding and had a scan to check nothing was left. We were finally at the end of the ordeal. My HCG level was finally 0 and I could move on.

Two months later, two periods as recommended, I got pregnant again and I was excited but so nervous! So glad that this one has stuck and is growing well!! 

I’m most excited about: Seeing my toddler become a big brother and welcoming a new life into our family finally!
I can’t wait to be able to: Cuddle, nuture and grow a new life outside of the womb and celebrate all the exciting milestones with a second baby. 

When I see my body I feel: So happy this life has survived and excited to see my stomach expanding as baby grows and develops inside me. I feel a lot bigger this time round too but it’s a nice feeling too. 

The first time I felt my baby move: I haven’t felt him move yet as my placenta is anterior, this hasn’t helped with my worries of baby not growing but I know in the next couple of weeks I’ll start to feel those movements. I’m super excited to be able to feel the kicks and hiccups again. 

The best thing about the last week has been: My 20 week scan, seeing my beautiful boy growing, all his fingers and toes, his face and all his gorgeous features.

When strangers react to my pregnancy I feel: a lot bigger as they often think I’m a lot further along than I am. 

How I am going with exercise, sleep, diet, stress and other health goals: I’m keeping up with my weekly boot camps which I’m super proud of. I’m going for daily walks with the toddler and dog and am super proud I can still chase my toddler around at this stage. Sleep isn’t the best with a toddler who hasn’t appreciated much sleep his life but I try and nap when possible. 

If I could say anything to my baby right now it would be: Keep growing little bub, I can’t wait to meet you when you are big and strong so you can learn so much from the world and your big brother too!

If after reading this you’d be happy to share your own experience of pregnancy, please email me at hello@shesaidyes.co.nz to send you one of these pages (or you can send a photo of your own pregnancy journal)